Do you ever notice how you can try your best to use the right words in some conversations and other people still take what you said the wrong way? This can easily happen in relationships where there is conflict of some kind. A disagreement or argument can surface rather quickly. You try to make every effort to stay level-headed by managing the words you choose wisely. As much as you make the effort, there are times when the interaction gets out of control and you unexpectedly react by getting overly emotional. Many times you won’t know what’s going on inside of you until your reactions are expressed outwardly.
When interacting with others, disagreements and arguments will surface because you exist in a world where you deal with all kinds of personalities. That is neither good nor bad. How you feel after the interactions is what matters. If you can walk away without feeling upset in any way, that is an indication you are okay with the unfolding of the interaction. If you walk away and continue to be emotional to the point you can’t let it go, then you have unrest related to whatever just occurred.
Let’s look at that. When there is unrest inside you will react in some way. Those reactions surface from inside of you based on what’s happening around you. They will be expressed in ways like the following:
- Physically – through verbal expression and things like your aches, pains or ailments of any kind;
- Mentally – through negative, unsupportive and repetitive thoughts;
- Emotionally – through negative type emotions and being overly expressive or overbearing;
- Spiritually – through questioning relationships and things you say or don’t say;
- Energetically – through your levels of energy. You will feel drained or unusually over tired when you’re struggling in some way.
Reactions are expressed outwardly and act as a ‘red flag’ drawing your attention to whatever was happening at the time. Sometimes the red flag clearly helps you to see there is a problem like a full-blown argument and sometimes it’s so subtle like someone says something and you feel a tight sensation in your gut. The moment you’re aware of your reaction pay attention to these three things. What was the other person doing, what were you doing and what were you feeling inside? What you were feeling can be related to anything physical and/or emotional. Knowing all of that helps you to be able to relate to yourself more fully leading you to heal and resolve your unrest.
Consider this example. You’re out getting groceries with your husband. You both are putting things in the shopping cart. You ask him to grab the whipping cream you need for a new recipe you’re trying. You don’t think about it again and one thing leads to another and now you’re home unloading the groceries. Later that day you get out all the ingredients you need for your recipe and the whipping cream is missing. After going to ask your husband, you learn he didn’t grab it for you. Instantly you get emotionally upset, say some unkind things and head back into the kitchen. You can’t make the recipe now and as you’re putting the other ingredients away all you can think about is how your spouse doesn’t help you with anything.
You go out for a walk by yourself and while walking, you notice you’re not breathing properly and it feels like you’re pounding the pavement with each step you take. Now you’re aware something is bothering you and you begin to reflect back on what just happened. You got emotional, you said unkind things, you’re not breathing properly and you’re pounding the pavement. All of those are a form of reaction. Your husband didn’t grab the cream that morning and you can’t make your recipe. Those are the obvious things that happened and what about that bothers you? Because he didn’t grab the cream. What bothers you about that? Because you needed it for your recipe. What bothers you about that? Because you don’t like when he doesn’t pay attention to what you say. What was really going on inside of you that caused you to get emotionally upset to the point you said unkind things? If you continue to filter your answers through that same type of question, you will eventually experience moving your attention away from the other person and onto yourself. That is when you get to your unrest inside. It could be as simple as, ‘you could have grabbed the whipping cream yourself while you were standing beside it.’ Your unrest will be about you and how you feel related to whatever was taking place at the time of your reaction.
Going one step further, if you want to eliminate your reactions, you need to heal and resolve the unrest related to those reactions. With growing awareness you will come to know what that is for you.
Yes there will be interactions which end up in a disagreement or argument. The more you heal and resolve any unrest related to those interactions, the more you eliminate the reactions and you no longer express them outwardly. This transforms every one of your relationships. Why? Because you have changed inside of you which now means you relate differently with every person you interact with. It is that powerful.
Sheila Unique, Relationship Renovator
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