As we live our lives it’s very normal to experience the highs and lows in relationships. Some days we’re happy with our loved ones and other days we wonder why we’re even in relationship with them. Regardless of what we’re experiencing, our relationships are either improving for the better or becoming more difficult to work with. One reason for this…we’re holding people stuck. What does that mean?
Holding people stuck is like keeping them in a situation where they can’t make progress or move forward in any way. We see them a certain way and hold them there. Imagine if someone tied our shoelaces together…we wouldn’t be able to walk freely. Similarly, holding people stuck restricts their growth and potential making it harder for them to move forward. There’s a lot more happening than just holding them stuck. Let’s look at that.
The words we use and the actions we take indicate our perception as to what we think is or isn’t happening in our relationships. We tend to see this more often in our long-term relationships with our spouse/partner, family and friends. We interact with them constantly talking about the problematic things they do over and over like nothing seems to be changing. When we’re doing that, energetically we’re holding them stuck.
When it comes to holding people stuck, three things happen:
1. We prevent people from healing. Constantly reminding others of their negative type behaviors reinforces things aren’t changing for them. We’ll tell them things like, all they ever do is argue, they don’t listen or they never think about anyone but themselves. In the end we’re holding them in a place of staying stuck.
Here’s an example of what that could look like. It used to upset me when my mom criticized others. As soon as I heard her criticizing someone else, I raised my voice reminding her of how she was always criticizing others. According to me, I saw her that way and held her in a place of not changing. Energetically I was preventing her from changing or healing in any way.
2. We prevent ourselves from healing. If we’re focused on complaining about the negative behaviors of others, we’re actually preventing ourselves from moving forward in any way. Why? Because our perception of what we think is or isn’t happening dictates the direction we go when it comes to healing ourselves. For example, when someone mistreats us or makes inappropriate decisions causing us to feel hurt in some way, we tend to hold a grudge towards that person based on our experience. That grudge keeps our hurt and memory alive preventing healing on our part.
Going back to my example…eventually I got to a place where I realized I wasn’t feeling good about what was happening in my relationship with my mom. The things I said to her and about her were only causing me to feel more upset inside myself. Once I had that awareness, it didn’t take long for me to start questioning myself as to why her behavior was upsetting me. My mom seemed to be okay with what she was saying, I was the one who wasn’t okay. I was the one holding both of us in a place of being stuck. I started to look for those answers inside and little did I know of the impact they would have on my relationship with mom.
3. We prevent the relationship from healing. Relationships are all about relating and if we’re perceiving negative things about others, we’re relating with them in a negative type way. The result is we hold the relationship stuck preventing healing from taking place for everyone involved.
Using the same example…because I saw my mom as being critical, I related to her in that way. It was only through my intention to heal our relationship that I discovered I was exactly the same way as she was. I was also criticizing others, especially her. That realization alone resulted in healing beyond measure not only for myself but for our relationship. I now choose to approach all my relationships with that profound awareness.
Our words and intentions have the power to bring about any change we want to experience in relationships, regardless of who it is. It has been my experience when we see others differently…when we see ourselves differently…we then see our relationships differently.
When it comes to healing in relationships, how we move through our problems makes a huge difference. We either set our intention to make others the problem or we find our way to bringing about the healing we want to now experience in those relationships.
And if I could add here…we can approach the healing process by making people the problem or by making the unacceptable behavior the problem. Making the behavior the problem tends to create an environment for healing to take place. It gives the power and grace for others to heal, for ourselves to heal resulting in healing for the whole relationship. When we show up differently, we allow others to do the same.
Wherever you are on your journey, may you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you’ll always be guided to feel at peace inside.
Sheila Unique, Relationship Coach and Speaker/Trainer
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