It has been an interesting week listening to how others are talking about the people in their lives. These conversations have helped me to look further within myself regarding expectations I have of others.
Personally, I feel it’s neither good nor bad to have expectations of others. If we’re going out for supper with friends, we expect them to show up. Taking classes…we expect the teacher to show up. Even if we’ve asked our spouse to do something and they’ve agreed we expect they’ll do it. Then where do our expectations create unrest in relationships?
The moment we’re reacting negatively in a situation is the time to check inside to see if there are expectations we have of others. Are there expectations causing some kind of unrest in the relationship?
My husband, Jimmy and I were making sweet and sour meatballs. The recipe called for eggs and he went to the fridge and grabbed the carton of eggs. After adding the eggs to the meat he got his hands into the bowl and starting mixing everything together. I went to put the plate on the cupboard for the formed meatballs to go on and there was the egg carton sitting open. You guessed it…I reacted and with an impatient tone in my voice I asked him why he didn’t just put it away when he was done taking out the eggs. I knew by his response my comment didn’t make him feel good at all. I was absolutely aware in that moment of what I had done. I started to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. My mind was busy justifying my reaction. I’ve taken out ingredients and put them away when I was done with them; why do I have to put his away too? What expectations did I have of him causing me to react like I did? I was surprised when Jimmy replied to me saying he was so excited to get mixing the meatballs he didn’t even think about putting the rest of the eggs away.
There are two individuals in every interaction. Each individual has their own thoughts, emotions and physical body sensations doing whatever they’re doing in any moment of time. For me, I like clean spaces to work in and for Jimmy, he loves getting right in and making things happen. His thoughts aren’t the same as mine and I’m truly grateful for that. We’re individuals. I need to be aware of what my expectations are when I’m working with him. If I could add…this hasn’t been easy for me. I react just like everyone else done and it’s only through my growing awareness am I learning a new way to interacting in relationships.
Here are some more examples of expectations we can have of others:
- If someone is being negative and we catch ourselves reacting to their negativity, are we expecting that they shouldn’t be negative because that can bring people down? Maybe that person is currently experiencing something difficult and through their expression the negativity surfaces. Their awareness may not be on the fact that they shouldn’t be negative.
- If our friends keep calling us and we’re getting upset because we don’t want to be interrupted do we have an expectation of them? Maybe we think they should know not to interrupt us at certain times. In their present moment of thinking to call us they may not even be thinking about that. Their life is happening and is filled with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences.
- If people in our place of employment keep dumping stuff on us and we’re getting upset at them what kind of expectations do we have of them? Maybe we think they should stop because we already have too much to do. Not everyone is aware of what other people are experiencing.
This isn’t about not have expectations. Not at all. This is about becoming aware of what’s going on inside in relation to what’s happening outside of us…especially if we’re reacting. The beautiful thing about our reactions is they can guide us inwardly to show us what’s going on inside. The moment we’re aware of reacting all we have to do is pay attention to our thoughts, feelings and physical body sensations. These three things are so influential with healing in relationships.
When it comes to learning and growing…this is also important to realize. We have expectations of others AND others will have expectations of us. If we happen to observe someone is upset with us about something we’re not even aware of, what expectations do they have of us? Just play with that.
Our learning comes through what we experience in ourselves and what others do or don’t do around us.
Wherever you are on your journey, may you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you’ll always be guided to feel at peace inside.
Sheila Unique, Relationship Coach and Spiritual Teacher
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